A Botched Potion
by Dark Man's Girl
Summary: After the full moon finishes casting its shadow on Remus Lupin, he is given a potion... Baby baying is soon to be heard in the Scottish night. But whose baby is it? SLASH! DONT READ IF YOU DONT LIKE IT!


Disclaimer: Not ours. Unfortunately.

Author's Note:

Andboriel: This random story is the product of lunchtime boredom. It involved passing a notebook back and forth while we took turns writing sections. There were also numerous occasions where our methods of thinking didn't quite match up, resulting in attempts to fix the plot holes. In the end, the result was a very random, slightly insane, fanfic. Enjoy!

Dark Man's Girl: Ah yes, lunchtime boredom. Lots of fun. This is a slashy….. make that very slashy, Remus is a whore type fics. If you don't like it, don't read it. We don't want flames just because you don't like slash. Constructive criticism if you must. And also. We had a rather lengthy discussion as to whether Animagi truly transform back into their clothes if (as show in the movie) they are discarded when the transform. What do you think? I honestly need more opinions.

**A Botched Potion**

A battered man lies limp on the floor of the Shrieking Shack, sandy hair splayed in all directions. Slinking in the shadows, another man resided with a bag of potions slung on his shoulder. Dawn's first rays filtered through the cracked windows as the potion master approached the injured werewolf. Carefully, he knelt by the fallen man and gently poured a healing potion down the other's throat.

Gurgling noises began to emit from the patient's throat. "Severus," he managed.

"Shh…" Snape cooed. "The numbing potion is next."

The pained expression relaxed as cool blue liquid touched his bleeding wounds. Snape drew Remus into his arms, resting his forehead against Remus'. Remus sighed and curled into the embrace as the numbing potion took affect

Outside the walls of the trashed house, a piercing howl split the night. Snape startled, looking out the slits between the boards nailed to the windows. From his position kneeling on the floor with his lover. A lance of panic struck his heart and he turned hurridly back down to the werewolf in his arms, "Remus," he hissed, "Did you bite someone?" But the sandy-haired man didn't answer, the potions had already set him to sleep.

Suddenly, a shadow broke through the window. A fierce growl echoed in the dim light. Snape raised his eyes to meet the creature. A ghostly dog barred its teeth in challenge. The burly dog leapt upon the greasy haired man, snarling and spitting. Slowly the sharp claws digging into Snapes's arm became fingers and fangs became dull teeth. "Get your filthy mitts off him you great bat!" Sirius spat.

"Protective are we?" Snape asked, "or does your attitude compensate for something?" Snape looked downwards, grimaced and bellowed,

"Get some bloody clothes on you annoying insect."

Remus, who had been shoved out of Severus' arms during the attack groaned as he struggled to sit up.

"Let me help you," Sirius rushed over to help prop him up.

"Sirius?" Remus lifted a hand and softly brushed Sirius' cheek, "What's going on? Where's Severus? Is he all right?"

"Snivellus is just fine, now, please, what can I do for you?" Sirius fretted.

"Sedatives, I need sedatives!" Remus whined.

Severus began to dig in his bag when he was pushed off by Sirius, who took a vial at random and poured it down the werewolf's throat.

"Sirius, no! That was one of Malfoy's botched potions! It was supposed to be a claming drought, except Malfoy changed the ingredients and I am unaware of what it does. As far as I know, he managed to turn it into a love potion activated by sight."

_"_AHHHHHH!" Remus cried out in pain.

"Now you've done it, Black!"

"Shut up and let's get him to the infirmary!"

Sirius and Severus safely (barely) got Remus to the infirmary where Madame Pomfrey set to work. An hour later she concluded, "Remus is going to be fine. He's just pregnant!"

"He's what?" Sirius' outrage echoed into the depths of Hogwarts' dungeons. He glanced back at Remus, whose eyes remained closed.

"This is all your fault," Sirius growled at Snape, "you took advantage of his state of grief."

"Me?! You're the one who gave him that stupid potion in my bag!:

"Gentlemen, let's please not play the blame game, and Mr. Black, here is a dressing gown; please put it on and keep it on."

"SNAPE! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! I WILL BEAT YOU!"

"Mr. Black," Madame Pomfry screeched Snape and Sirius' heads snapped to attention. "The gown." Sirius ripped the bed gown from her hands and threw it on, glaring at the nurse. "Now, as male pregnancies are very rare, he needs to be monitored closely."

Remus began to stir in his bed, "Seeeeverus!" he groaned, "Poooootion!"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Lupin, but in your state, I'm afraid potions of any kind would be out of the question."

"What's wrong with me?" Remus groaned.

"Well, Madame Pomfry began gently, "it seems Mr. Black slipped you a botched potion made by Mr. Malfoy that had some…adverse effects on you. You're pregnant."

"I'm what_!"_ Remus sat upright in an instant, "I am a man! I am a very manly man!" Remus stood up, "And as the manly man that I am, I do not have enough estrogen to become pregnant with a child, therefore this cannot be," Remus began to think, "It's all a hallucination. Off to bed with me."

"I am so sorry, Remus," Sirius pouted, "can you forgive me? Snape told me to give you a potion, he didn't even tell me which one"

"I was going to, Snape scowled, "But your dim-witted brain didn't pause to realize you can't give someone a random potion."

"Excuse me gentlemen, and I use that term lightly, I need to do a paternity test on Mr. Lupin."

"Well, it's obviously the greasy-haired git's," Sirius spat.

"Actually…there's one other's it could be," Remus began.

"Who?"

"Weeeeell…"Remus began.

"This cannot end well," Snape muttered.

"Bill…"

"Weasley?!" Sirius shouted.

"It was an alpha-male thing…you wouldn't understand." Remus explained.

"Well then, Mr. Snape, go summon Mr. Weasley and we shall conduct a paternity test." Said Madame Pomfrey.

Snape's robes billowed as he spun on his heel and left the infirmary, pausing only for a last glance at Remus.

"So, you and Snape," Sirius bitterly remarked, "How did that happen?" he asked while inwardly cursing his curiosity.

"Well," Remus stated, "he would always make me the Wolfsbane Potion and eventually we started talking and the progressed to enjoy each other's…"

"Company!" Sirius blurted, "And Bill?"

Remus sighed, "Long story made short, werewolves aught to never drink Firewhisky in the week preceding the full moon."

"You? Firewhisky?" Sirius questioned.

"Very potent stuff that." Remus replied.

And awkward silence settled over the room just as Sirius asked, "What are you going to name it?"

"That depends entirely on its gender. I quite like the names Caleb and Selena. They'd be fitting. But, that's only if they survive."

Sirius paled.

"I'm not made of glass, Sirius. I very well know that chances are that either I or my baby will die."

"How do you know that?" Sirius stammered.

"Keen sense of hearing."

Sirius hung his head, not wanting to accept the fact that someone would die from this. Remus would never be himself again, in any event. If he dies…he's…well, dead. If the baby dies, it'll tear him apart. "And what are we to do if Bill's the father? We can't very well tell Fleur Bill's cheated on her- and with a man at that."

"That, my canine friend, is between William and I."

Sirius pouted, "well, the least you could do is name your child after me."

Remus glared at his friend as Bill and Severus entered the infirmary.

Sirius glared at the eldest Weasley child, blaming him for all of Remus' troubles.

"What's going on?" Bill asked, "Remus! Are you all right? Sirius? You're alive! Does Harry know yet?"

After that, Sirius grew pale realizing he had two crises to deal with.

Sirius heaved a sigh. "I suppose I should go inform Harry- do rest…Remus, I shall be back."

After Sirius left, Madame Pomfry entered the room with two potion vials, "Now I need you, Remus to spit in both potions, and then, Bill, you will spit in one and Severus in the other.

The men complied and soon both vials glowed red. _  
_

"Oh dear." sighed Madame Pomfry, "This means neither of you is the father. Are you sure that these are the two men you were…intimate with?"

Remus nodded, "Yes, once with Severus and twice with Bill."

"As embarrassing as this is," Bill paused, "I only slept with you once, Remus."

"What?" Remus asked, "No, you've got it wrong, Bill, we were together twice. I remember… of course I was acutely drunk at the time."

"Are you sure that you didn't sleep with some other redhead?" Sirius sighed.

"There are only a million of them," Snape muttered.

"Yes, one time we were at the Leaky Cauldron and the other was last week at headquarters."

"Remus, I was in Egypt last week."

"Then who else at headquarters has an attraction towards Remus and can change their looks?" Severus remarked, "None of my Polyjuice is missing…"

Silence filled the Hospital Wing as the group thought.

As if a light bulb had gone off in Remus' head, he growled, "Nymphadora…"

"My cousin? What's she got to do with anything?" Sirius asked, baffled.

"She has a strange obsession with Remus," Severus offered.

"Strange! If her stalkerish tendencies are "strange," what do you consider our relationship!" Remus shouted.

"Mood swing," Sirius mouthed to Bill as Snape struggled for an answer.

Remus took his wand from the bedside table, and flicked it in Sirius' direction, sending the dog flying in the air, "mood swings, is it?" Remus snarled.

"Remus! Get me down from here!" Sirius bellowed.

"I'd rather not. Now, Severus, go ring Nymphradora, before I kill her cousin."

Snape stalked out of the hospital wing leaving Sirius suspended in the air and Madame Pomfry and Bill watching in amusement.

"Remus, remember when Lily was pregnant? We would talk about how irrational she was-"

"So now I'm irrational?"

Hurridly, Bill decided to intervene, "Speaking of Harry, how is he?"

"Oh he's wonderful." Sirius replied sarcastically. "He only thinks he's mad, now that I showed up in his dorm at 4:50 AM."

"You didn't bother to stay?" Remus panicked, "Instead, you chose to let him believe his godfather's ghost is haunting him?"

"He actually thought he was hallucinating…"

"But then I couldn't go to sleep, checked the Marauder's Map and saw everyone down here," Harry's voice came from the doorway, "Are you all right Professor Lupin? Sirius, why are you floating?"

"Well, Professor Lupin is having a-"

"Remus, you called for me, my love?" Tonks bellowed from the door.

Remus flew out of his bed and started yelling within an instant, "Nymphradora Tonks!"

"Remus, what's wrong?"

"You seduced me!"

"I know. Wasn't it wonderful?"

"Wonderful? You weren't even yourself! And, to make matter worse, I'm bloody pregnant!"

"Pregnant?" Harry and Tonks gasped.

"Can men get pregnant?" Harry cautiously asked, "or is this some weird wizarding thing I've never heard of before?"

"No Potter, Black dosed Remus with one of Malfoy's botched potions," Snape snapped.

"Since when did you call him Remus, Snape?" Tonks glared.

"Since I fell madly in love with the bleeding sod."

"Well, that's too bad, slimy, because I've fallen madly in love with Remus." Tonks threw her hands around Remus dramatically, "He's mine Snivellus."

"The hell you say, little lady!" Sirius bellowed from the ceiling.

Harry turned to Bill, "So all three of them are in love with Professor Lupin?"

Bill looked towards Severus, Sirius and Tonks, whose fight had escalated to the point of wand-waving, "In love with or obsessed with, depending on whom you're talking about."

"So, er…"Harry began, "who's paying child support?"


End file.
